If I Had a Wedding Reception We Would Throw Tomatoes

Disclaimer: This is not a specific critique of any wedding reception I have attended or will attend. I love you all, and I have loved getting to take part in your special day(s).

 Beginning with being kitchen help as a 12-year-old Beehive, I have attended approximately one bajillion wedding receptions. That's what Provo is famous for right? Marriages coming out the whazoo.

Attending so many wedding receptions--indoor and outdoor, cheap and expensive, fun and not-so-fun--well, it wears on you. Even receptions for your dearest friends are still a parade of repeating tropes: sign the guest book, eat the food, dance the dance, cut the cake, and (always, always) do the send-off with sparklers or bubbles. Literally, I am convinced that someone is rich off a company that only sells tiny bottles of bubbles to Mormon wedding receptions. They are probably married to the person who sells Mormon wall stickers. Anyways...

If I had a wedding reception, it would be as follows:

Guest book- No need to write your congratulations in a book filled with our faces or pose for a polaroid! Just throw a dart at a sheet covered in paint-filled water balloons. Your contribution is one more color dripping down our home's first piece of art.

Line- Forget it. My husband and I will be sitting rolling office chairs. If you want to talk to us, just hold up a picture of one (or both) of our faces, conveniently located at every table! Think of it like the BYU Physics help lab- we'll come to you.

Food- Soooooo much of it and soooooo tasty. Like I don't even know-soup and pasta and fruit and ice cream and maybe mini calzones in honor of Ben Wyatt. Nobody goes away hungry or disappointed.

Daddy-daughter dance- This is the one convention of wedding receptions that I actually love and makes me cry. My dad and I would dance to the song that always reminds me of him: "If I Had a Million Dollars" by the Barenaked Ladies.

First dance- Doing the robot to "The Final Countdown" DUH.

Bouquet toss- Instead of tossing my real bouquet, or having a fake one to toss so I don't ruin my real one, I would just throw a Nerd Rope. Because that way it's actually super tasty, and it wouldn't be as embarrassing/bizarre when girls fight over it.

Garter- Literally my least favorite wedding tradition. But, it could be fun if my husband and I both had garters on our arms and we have to take them off each other with our teeth...at the same time.

Games- Did I mention there will also be carnival games going on all around the reception? Bobbing for apples, donuts on a string, face painting, donkey rides for little kids provided by my brother and cousins. Maybe even a fire-breathing dude. None one will be bored at my reception unless they choose to be!

Cake- Before cutting the cake, we will be taking bets on a large blackboard about whether or not we'll shove it in each other's faces. We will of course. Hard.

Send-off- Before leaving for the car, my husband and I will don trash bags, and then run to the car while people try to hit us with overripe tomatoes.

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