Tuesday, June 13, 2017

If I Had a Wedding Reception We Would Throw Tomatoes

Disclaimer: This is not a specific critique of any wedding reception I have attended or will attend. I love you all, and I have loved getting to take part in your special day(s).

Beginning with being kitchen help as a 12-year-old Beehive, I have attended approximately one bajillion wedding receptions. That's what Provo is famous for right? Marriages coming out the whazoo.

Attending so many wedding receptions--indoor and outdoor, cheap and expensive, fun and not-so-fun--well, it wears on you. Even receptions for your dearest friends are still a parade of repeating tropes: sign the guest book, eat the food, dance the dance, cut the cake, and (always, always) do the send-off with sparklers or bubbles. Literally, I am convinced that someone is rich off a company that only sells tiny bottles of bubbles to Mormon wedding receptions. They are probably married to the person who sells Mormon wall stickers. Anyways...

If I had a wedding reception, it would be as follows:

Guest book- No need to write your congratulations in a book filled with our faces or pose for a polaroid! Just throw a dart at a sheet covered in paint-filled water balloons. Your contribution is one more color dripping down our home's first piece of art.

Line- Forget it. My husband and I will be sitting rolling office chairs. If you want to talk to us, just hold up a picture of one (or both) of our faces, conveniently located at every table! Think of it like the BYU Physics help lab- we'll come to you.

Food- Soooooo much of it and soooooo tasty. Like I don't even know-soup and pasta and fruit and ice cream and maybe mini calzones in honor of Ben Wyatt. Nobody goes away hungry or disappointed.

Daddy-daughter dance- This is the one convention of wedding receptions that I actually love and makes me cry. My dad and I would dance to the song that always reminds me of him: "If I Had a Million Dollars" by the Barenaked Ladies.

First dance- Doing the robot to "The Final Countdown" DUH. I also want to steal the Latino tradition of having to pin money to the bride and groom so you can dance with them. If that's not too culturally insensitive.

Bouquet toss- Instead of tossing my real bouquet, or having a fake one to toss so I don't ruin my real one, I would just throw a Nerd Rope. Because that way it's actually super tasty, and it wouldn't be as embarrassing/bizarre when girls fight over it.

Garter- Literally my least favorite wedding tradition. But, it could be fun if my husband and I both had garters on our arms and we have to take them off each other with our teeth...at the same time.

Games- Did I mention there will also be carnival games going on all around the reception? Bobbing for apples, donuts on a string, face painting, donkey rides for little kids provided by my brother and cousins. Maybe even a fire-breathing dude. None one will be bored at my reception unless they choose to be!

Cake- Before cutting the cake, we will be taking bets on a large blackboard about whether or not we'll shove it in each other's faces. We will of course. Hard.

Send-off- Before leaving for the car, my husband and I will don trash bags, and then run to the car while people try to hit us with overripe tomatoes.